WAGON 


807.73 

T212L 


Taylor,  B.  L. 


- 


Log  of  the  water 
wagon 


807.73 

T212L 


6978 


Taylor,  B.  L. 

Log  of  the  water* 
wagon 


THE   LOG 

OF 
THE  WATER  WAGON 


This  is  an  unlimited  edition,  of 
which  this  copy  is  No.  69,850. 

If  you  wish  a  higher  number,  your 
bookseller  will  gladly  supply  you. 


.  m  4-4 


THE  ORIGINAL  WATER  WAGON 


BERT  LESTON  TAMLOR 

and  W.C.GIBSON 


ILLUSTRATIONS  hy 
L.M.GLACKENS 


PUBLISHED  BY 

H.M.CALDWELL  CO.  BOSTON 


Copyright,  1905 
BY  H.  M.  CALDWELL  Co 


COLONIAL    PRESS 

Electrotyped  and  Printed  by  C.  H.  Sitnonds  <V  Co. 
Boston,  U.S.A. 


»  \  1  J  I 


WATER.WAGON 


FOREWORD 


If  you  don't  like  this  book,  write 
to  the  authors  about  it.  Don't 
bother  the  publishers:  they  are 
too  busy  selling  it. 


WATER-WAGON 
IP 


To  all  surviving  saloon  passen- 
gers of  the  good  ship  Lithia,  who 
have  rounded  the  Horn  and  passed 
through  perilous  Beering  Straits, 
and  suffered  shipwreck,  shock,  and 
sudden  thirst:  to  those  intrepid 
souls  who  have  clung  to  the  slippery 
hull  of  the  Water  Wagon  when  it 
seemed  the  gallant  craft  could 
not  live  another  hour;  who,  lashed 
to  the  sprinkler,  have  ridden  out 
many  a  choking  dust-storm;  who 
have  heard  the  cafe  Lorelei  sing, 
and  still  hung  on,  deaf  to  her  se- 
ductive song:  and  — 


LOG  OF 


To  the  memory  of  countless 
thousands  lost  at  sea,  swept  into  the 
seething  drink  without  a  word  of 
>  warning,  cut  off  in  the  blossoms  of 
their  resolutions,  and  sent  to  their 
slate  accounts  with  all  their  im- 
perfections on  their  heads  — 

This  little  volume  is  affectionately 
dedicated. 


WATER-WAGON 

if 


EDITORS'  NOTE 


The  Log  of  the  Water  Wagon 
was  compiled  from  memoranda 
found  in  a  floating  milk-bottle  with 
a  patent  stopper,  flung  overboard 
just  before  the  good  ship  "  Lithia  " 
foundered  in  a  fearful  simoom  off 
White  Rock  Point.  The  notes,  pen- 
cilled in  a  trembling  hand,  on  the 
backs  of  blank  temperance  pledges, 
I  O  U's,  and  wine-lists,  were  barely 


LOG  OF  THE* 

4 


legible,  testifying  to  the  fearful  con- 
dition of  the  unknown  writer's 
tongue,  manifestly  incapable  of 
moistening  the  pencil. 

With  the  notes  were  enclosed  a 
Water  Wagon  folder,  showing  itin- 
erary, rules  and  regulations,  points 
of  interest  touched  at,  etc.,  a  frag- 
ment of  a  clipping  from  the  New 
York  Sun,  and  sundry  moral  re- 
flections upon  life,  liberty,  and  the 
pursuit  of  happiness. 

The  editors  have  preserved,  as  far 
as  possible,  the  spirit  and  literary 
style  of  the  Log-keeper,  whose 
identity  is  an  interesting  conjecture. 
His  fate,  and  that  of  his  fellow 
passengers,  is  shrouded  in  mystery. 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS 


FOR  OTHER  CONTENTS 
SEE  BODY  OF  BOOK 


THE  SUN, 


ith 
r  of 
and 
,half 

talk 

jpart- 

.burg, 

Stern- 

stary 

osion 

iter- 

etail 

but 

the 

to 

tof 

the 

ny 

lu- 
ll. 
*, 

s- 

3- 

l 


THE  WATER  WAGON  DEPARTS. 

GOOD  SHIP  LITHIA  HEAVIL  Y 
LOADED  SAILS  ON  CRUISE. 


lo- 


io 

in 
plo- 
ilief 

ar- 
ling 


Fresh  from    the  drydock,    glistening    in 
new  white  paint,  her  blue  streamers  snap- 
ping in  the  breeze,  loaded  to  the  limit  with 
mthusiastic  and  babbling   passengers,   the 
Water  Wagon  left  last  night  on    another 
perilous  voyage.     A  tremendous  crowd  was 
aresent  to  see  her  off.     The  surging  mass  of 
well-wishers  included  relatives  and  friends 
of  the  passengers,  a  large  delegation  from 
the    International    Federation     of    Mineral 
Water   Bottlers,   and    representatives  from 
the  W.   C.  T.  U.,   Band   of    Hope,   Never 
A^ain  League,  and  other  dusty  associations. 
'The  farewell  presents  to  the  passengers 
•were  unusually  numerous.    These  included 
hot-water  bags  with  "Bon  Voyage"  hand- 
painted    on     them,    silver    bonbon     boxe; 
containing  soda  mint  and  lithia  tablets,  in 
dividual    cut-glass     bromo-seltzer    bottles, 
water  lilies,  watermelons,  and  other  fruits 
and  flowers. 

Just  before  the  hour  for  sailing  happy 
little  speeches  were  made  by  the  Superm 
tendent  of  the  Water  Works,  the  Commis- 
sioner of  Irrigation,  and  the  Hon.  Bromo  b 
Emerson,  of  Baltimore,  whose  sizzling  ora- 
tory was  received  with  terrific  applause. 

Promptly  at  midnight  a  bottle  of  sarsa 
parilla  was  broken  on  the  Lithia' s  sprinkler 
the  gang-hose  was  uncoupled  and  haulet 
aboard,  and  the  Water  Wagon  glided  grace 
fully  away  from  her  moorings. 

A  score  or  more  of  belated  passenger 
came  straggling  down  the  pier,  and  finding 


LOG  OF  THE 

* 


GENERAL    INFORMATION 


In  making  reservations,  the  pas- 
senger's real  name,  not  the  station- 
house  name,  must  be  given,  in  full. 
All  "  John  Smiths  "  will  be  regarded 
with  suspicion,  and  must  be  satis- 
factorily identified. 

Seats  as  well  as  berths  will  be 
assigned  for  the  entire  voyage. 
For  a  few  choice  seats  next  the 
water-cooler  a  small  additional  fee 
will  be  asked. 

No  life-preservers  will  be  found 
in  staterooms.  Do  not  ask  for  them. 

No  "  bundles  "  will  be  allowed  in 
staterooms,  nor  allowed  to  lie 
around  the  decks. 

Excellent  concerts  will  be  ren- 
16 


WATER.WAGON 


dered  every  evening  in  the  main 
saloon  by  the  Band  of  Hope.  A 
select  library  will  be  found  in  the 
smoking  room.  Water-marked  sta- 
tionery is  also  at  the  disposal  of  all 
first-class  passengers. 

Don't  try  to  get  on  the  Wagon 
while  it  is  in  motion.  It  is  the 
Captain's  business  to  stop  for  loads. 
If  he  does  not  stop  when  flagged, 
you  will  know  he  is  full. 

When  rounding  the  sharp  curve 
at  the  Pousse  Cafe,  passengers  are 
cautioned  to  hold  fast. 

Passengers  feeling  their  anchors 
dragging,  and  seized  with  a  sudden 
desire  to  leap  from  the  Wagon, 
should  apply  to  purser  for  para- 
chutes. 

Stop-overs  will  be  allowed  at 
Vichy  Springs,  Delaware  Water 
Gap,  and  Waterbury  only. 


No  transfers  given  on  transfers. 

Passengers  losing  any  of  their 
wheels  will  find  them  in  the  wheel- 
house. 

No  rain-checks  will  be  given  out. 
This  is  a  dry  cruise. 

Buy  a  round-trip  ticket  and  save 
money. 

All  mail  received  en  route  will  be 
read  aloud  by  the  steward  at  sunset. 

SPECIAL  INFORMATION.— 
In  looking  toward  the  bow  of  the 
vessel,  the  left-hand  side  is  port. 
The  right-hand  is  sherry. 


18 


WATER.  WAGON 


LOG  OF 

riA 


Hitch  your  wagon  to  a  star.  If 
it's  the  Water  Wagon,  tie  it  to  the 
Great  Dipper.  —  Emerson. 


I  often  wonder  where  the  old  moons 

g° 

After  they  once  get  full  and  dis- 
appear. 

Do  they,  I  wonder,  pilot  to  and  fro 
The   men   who 'quit   the    Wagon 
year  by  year? 

—  Copernicus. 


WATER.  WAGON 


NOTE.  —  The  writer  of  this  record,  being 
the  only  sober  passenger  aboard  the  Good 
Ship  "  Lithia,"  has  been  requested  by  the 
Captain  to  keep  the  Log.  The  Captain 
kindly  explains  that  a  log  is  a  thing  in 
which  you  put  down  the  daily  occurrences 
on  board  ship.  I  have  kept  a  dog,  and  a 
valet,  and  a  thirst,  and  other  things,  but 
a  log  is  sure  a  new  proposition.  But,  dash 
my  tarry  toplights,  here  goes.  Avast  there, 
my  hearties  !  Yeo-heave-ho  !  Yo-ho  ! 

At  midnight  we  left  the  Bar,  and 
got  under  way,  with  a  big  tide  and 
the  wind  souse-souse-east  and  piping 
free. 


Everybody  aboard,  barring  the 
'  /writer,  is  thoroughly  saturated.  I 
/  counted  fifty  -  seven  varieties  of 
pickle. 


LOG  OF  THE 


Later.  —  It  seems  I  was  mistaken 
about  having  left  the  Bar.  The 
Captain  announces  through  the 
ventilator  that  he  is  stuck  on  the 
Bar.  Loud  cheers  from  the  passen- 
gers, and  cries  of,  "  So  say  we  all 
of  us!" 


Lightened  ship  by  throwing  over- 
board two  bales  of  temperance 
pledges  and  ten  cases  of  sarsaparilla. 
The  Captain  announces  that  we  are 
off  the  Bar.  Groans. 


I  am  suspicious  of  the  pilot.  He 
hasn't  flashed  a  single  pilot-biscuit 
since  he  came  aboard. 


22 


m~*K~JF        *<i>  *  •      ^^^X  ^*^i^*^^-      ••      t-fl 

WATER.  WAGONS 

— — — .  A  *-  J«  '.^ 


First  Day 


The  Lithia  is  reeling  off  eight 
knots  an  hour.  Wind  still  souse- 
souse-east  and  piping  free.  Weather 
so-so. 


The  passengers,  misled  by  the 
name,  are  in  the  saloon,  calling 
loudly  for  drinks  and  hammering 
on  the  tables.  The  Captain  an- 
nounces through  the  ventilator  that 
he  will  turn  the  hose  on  them. 
Cheers,  and  cries  of  "  Louder !  " 


The  uproar  in  the  saloon  con- 
tinues. An  entertainer  is  giving  a 
realistic  imitation  of  a  man  mixing 
a  cocktail.  Tremendous  applause, 

23 


LQG  OF  THE< 


and  shouts  of  "  Great,   old  man ! " 
A  young  water  curate   has  volun- 
teered to  go  among  the  noisy  pirates 
*and  try  to  soothe  them. 


Later.  —  The  water  curate  has 
been  thrown  down  the  companion- 
way. 


Loud  splash  on  the  starboard  side. 
We  have  dropped  the  pilot. 


The  Captain  has  ordered  the  First    \ 
Mate  to  take  the  wheel.     The  Mate 


is  in   the   saloon,  bound   hand   and 
foot,  and  the  passengers  are  sing- 


WATER.  WAGON 

if 


ing  "  How  Can  I  Bear  to  Leave 
Thee."  The  Lithia  is  going  around 
in  a  circle. 


The  Mate  has  been  rescued,  and 
has  laid  a  course  for  Carbonic  Light. 
I  asked  him  if  a  mate's  wife  is  called 
a  room-mate.  He  said  he  didn't 
know,  but  the  midshipmite. 


The  Captain  has  just  taken  sound- 
ings, but  reports  that  he  can't  hear 
a  thing.  So  much  noise  in  the 
saloon. 


Tom    Ginn,    the    noisiest    of    the 
bunch,   has   been  put   in   irons   for 

25 


LOG  OF  TH 


demanding  an  old-fashioned  cock- 
'tail  and  inciting  the  passengers  to 
mutiny.  The  clanking  of  his  chains 
is  having  a  quieting  effect  on  the 
other  pirates. 


3  A.  M.  —  Passed  the  trim  little 
craft  Coryphee,  homeward  bound, 
loaded  with  lobsters  and  champagne. 
Wigwagged  to  her  that  her  star- 
board light  was  out  and  that  her 
hair  was  coming  down.  She  sig- 
nalled back,  "  On  your  way." 


Ran  afoul  of  a  fleet  of  full-rigged 
Johnnies,  stuck  on  Shanley's  oyster- 
beds.  Offered  to  take  them  aboard 


26 


'WATER-WAGON 
&== 


the  Wagon,  but  they  vociferously 
refused.  Said  they'd  just  got  off 
one. 


The  Captain  took  the  Sun  as  soon 
as  it  came  out,  and  reported  that 
we  were  a  hell  of  a  way  from  the 
Equator. 


Passed  a  ragtime  whistling  buoy. 


Hennessy  Martel,  an  amateur  An- 
cient Mariner,  got  into  the  calcium 
for  a  minute  by  trying  to  shoot  a 
nighthawk,  claiming  it  was  an  alba- 
tross. The  Captain  gave  him  the 
water  cure. 


27 


LOG  OF 


Spoke  a  tramp  tank  steamer,  Red  V« 
Booze  Line,  Captain  Handout. 
"  Ahoy !  What  ship  is  that?  "  hailed 
Captain  Handout.  "The  Water 
Wagon,"  I  replied  through  the  Cap- 
tain's megaphone.  "  Keep  off !  "  he 
yelled,  and  crowded  on  all  sail. 


Shipped  a  heavy  swell  rolling  in 
from  the  Faro  Banks. 


Eight  bells  and  all's  well. 


cntietl)  tfje  first  fcap  of  tlje  crtttee. 


28 


'WATER.WAGON 
=*=== 


BAGGAGE    REGULATIONS 


Each  full  ticket  entitles  passenger 
to  one  load.  A  load  and  a  hang-over 
will  be  charged  as  excess  baggage. 

All  baggage  must  be  checked  by 
our  regular  inspector  before  de- 
parture. Contraband  baggage,  such 
as  bottled  cocktails,  case  goods, 
whiskey  capsules,  brandied  cherries, 
etc.,  will  be  confiscated. 

ANIMALS,  BIRDS,  AND  OTHER  PETS 

will  not  be  allowed  on  the  main 
wagon,  nor  allowed  to  run  alongside. 
All  such  must  be  put  in  charge 
of  the  steward,  who  will  tag  them 
and  place  them  in  a  trailer,  where 
they  will  be  fed  and  cared  for,  an 


LOG  OF  TH 


permitted  to  drink  out  of  the  trough 
of  the  sea. 

All  animals  will  be  returned  to 
owners  at  end  of  voyage;  or,  if 
desired,  the  steward  will  send  them 
to  any  designated  circus  or  men- 
agerie. 

No  passenger  will  be  allowed 
more  than  three  purple  monkeys  or 
two  dozen  red,  white,  and  blue 
snakes.  No  magenta  elephant  weigh- 
ing more  than  twenty  tons  will  be 
received  in  the  trailer,  as  the  ac- 
commodations are  limited.  No  mas- 
todons of  any  colour  will  be  ac- 
cepted. 

The  management  will  not  be 
responsible  for  any  accident  or 
change  of  colour  these  pets  may 
undergo.  We  cannot  guarantee  fast 
colours. 


'WATER.WAGON 

f^T^Faei=^  & 


Striped  mice,  polka-dot  lizards, 
r$*A  Scotch-plaid  guinea-pigs,  and  other 
/I*  small  animals,  and  all  perishable 

buggage,  will  be  carried  at  owner's 

risk. 


LOG  OF  THE 


THE  WATER  WAGON       .. 
BAND 


Every  evening  in  the  main  saloon, 
from  8  to  10,  our  own  Band  of  Hope 
will  discourse  the  following  musical 
favourites : 

"Drink   to    Me   Only   with   Thine 

Eyes." 

"  Wait  for  the  Wagon." 
"  The  Old  Oaken  Bucket." 
"  Father,  Dear  Father." 
"  Down  by  the  River." 
"  When    the    Swallows    Homeward 

Fly." 


NOTE.  —  Any  attention  on  the  part 
of  the  audience  will  be  appreciated  by  the 
'andmastcr. 

32 


WATER-WAGON 

if 


ITINERARY 


8  bells 

6  bells 

3  bells 

4  bells 

7  bells 
2  bells 

8  bells 
i  bell 

5  bells 


Leave  the  Bar 
Pass  Rye  Beach  .... 
Off  the  Faro  Banks  .  .  . 
Near  High  Ballston  Spa 
Arrive  Vichy  Springs  .  . 
Weather  Cape  Casegoods  . 
Nearing  Prohibition  Park 
Arrive  Delaware  Water  Gap 
Pass  Croton  Reservoir  .  . 
Round  Apollinaris  Bot- 
tling Works 

Weather  White  Rock  Point 
Arrive  at  Waterbury      .     . 


6  bells 
4  bells 
8  bells 


The  management  reserves    the   right 
change  the  itinerary  at  any  old 
bell  time. 
33 


to 


LOG  OF 


Big  Heads 
My  Specialty 


NUTT 
The   Square    Hatter'* 

132  1-2    WATER    STREET 


Any  Size 
Head  Fitted     «w*~ 


Ask  to  see  my  Adjustable,  Telescopic 
Noiseless  Hats.  (Patent  Pending.)  Just 
the  thing  for  the  Water  Wagon.  No 
springs  or  metal  used.  Will  expand  or 
contract  as  conditions  require.  Space  in 
sweat-band  for  cracked  ice.  Money  re- 
funded if  we  don't  make  good. 

Stretching  done  at  your  own  home  the 
morning  after. 

Telephone,  Derby  8  3-4 

"You    get    the    Head,    and    we' 
put  a  Lid  on  it" 


WATER-WAGON 


Most  of  the  gold-cures  are  only 
plated,  and  it  soon  wears  off. — 
Keeley. 


Men's  evil  manners  live  in  rum. 
Their  virtues  we  write  in  water.  — 
Shakespeare. 


^ 


LOG 


Second  Day 


The  morning  opened  on  a  full 
house,  and  everybody  stayed  —  in 
bed.  Barometer  throbbing  fever- 
ishly, indicating  a  long  dry  spell. 


The  breakfast-gong  was  sounded 
by  the  Steward,  but  not  a  soul  made 
a  move.  Cries  of  "  Lynch  him !  " 
from  the  staterooms. 


The  Captain  has  been  looking  over 
the  Log,  and  says  I  keep  it  like  a 
butcher's  book.  I  told  him  to  keep 
it  himself  if  he  didn't  like  it. 


ii  A.  M. — The  Steward  got  every- 
body on  deck  by  turning  in  a  still 

37 


LOG  OF  THF 

=aft  *&$= 


Second  Day 


alarm  that  the  next  round  was  on 
the  house.  The  push  dressed  like  a 
commuter  making  the  8.13  train. 
Everybody  voted  it  a  dirty  trick. 


11.30  A.  M.  —  Tied  up  at  Water 
Tank  No.  i,  and  took  on  fifty  cases 
of  lemon  soda  and  sarsaparilla,  and 
a  case  of  malted  milk  for  Moxie 
Matzoon,  alias  Moxie  Grandpa,  — 
a  stowaway,  who  was  discovered 
soon  after  we  cleared  the  Bar.  He 
is  suspected  of  being  the  staff  cor- 
respondent of  the  Weekly  Water 
Cooler.  He  doesn't  seem  to  be  pop- 
ular. 


12.30  P.  M.  —  The  Captain  took 


38 


WATER.WAGON 


Second  Day 


r?V  a  lunar  observation,  and  reported 
that  we  were  in  latitude  58:  12  W. 
from  Greenwich,  Conn.  I  asked 
him  how  he  managed  to  observe  the 
moon  in  the  middle  of  the  day,  and 
he  referred  me  to  the  Information 
Bureau.  Crusty  old  chap. 


Whale  sighted.  He  was  blowing 
his  friends.  Cheers  from  the  water- 
proof deck,  and  cries  of  "  I'll  take 
the  same ! " 


At   3    P.    M.    mutiny    broke    out 
/among  the  passengers,  but  it  was 
quelled    by    the    Captain    with    his 
trusty  little  marlingspike.     Doctor 


39 


Zcolak,    the    ship's    surgeon,    diag- 
1  nosed  the  case  as  thirst,  not  mutiny. 


The  undertow  of  dissatisfaction 
among  the  passengers  continues. 
Hennessy  iMartel  called  a  mass- 
meeting  on  the  port  side,  and  the 
Wagon  almost  turned  turtle.  "  Trim 
ship ! "  commanded  the  Captain 
from  the  bridge,  and  Eggley  Mo- 
nade,  who  is  a  regular  wag,  asked 
him  if  he  thought  we  were  a  bunch 
of  dressmakers. 


Passed  the  Can  Buoy  on  Wurz- 
burger  Shoals.  Some  of  the  boys 
started  to  rush  it. 


40 


WATER-WAGON 
&= 


Loan  sharks  have  been  following 
the  Lithia  all  day.  The  Mate  says 
this  is  a  sign  that  there's  a  dead  one 
on  board.  Jim  Sling  says  there  will 
be  one,  all  right,  if  he  doesn't  fall 
off  pretty  soon.  Jim  is  a  sore  pup. 


Just  before  6  P.  M.  the  Lithia 
sprung  a  leak,  and  we  lost  consid- 
erable water.  Something  has  also 
happened  to  the  hydraulic  engines, 
and  the  Captain  has  given  orders  to 
let  go  the  dope-sheet. 


A  round-robin  has  been  sent  to 
the  Captain,  requesting  him  to  touch 


•  •  •  • 

at  the  Aquarium,  for  a  look  at  the    •/•*( 
*  « \ 

Hanks. 


LOG  OF  TH 


The  crew  held  a  First  Aid  to  the 
Foolish  drill,  and  were  instructed 
what  to  do  in  case  a  passenger  at- 
tempts to  fall  off  the  Wagon. 


Guinness  Stout  and  the  Count  of 
Maraschino  had  a  hot  argument  over 
the  meaning  of  "load  water  line," 
the  Count  maintaining  that  there 
was  no  such  thing.  They  appealed 
to  the  Captain,  who  told  them  they 
were  both  wrong,  and  that  A  wins 
the  box  of  fudge. 

42 


'WATER.  WAGON 

;&-*  &= 


The  water-cooler  has  been  emp- 
tied four  times  since  noon,  and  the 
boys  are  now  eating  the  ice.  The 
Captain  has  put  everybody  on  quar- 
ter rations,  and  the  Steward  is 
serving  cracked  ice  in  capsules,  only 
one  to  a  customer. 


Tom  Ginn  has  again  been  put  in 
irons  for  demanding  an  Angora 
pousse  cafe. 


No  casualties  to  date,  barring  one 
passenger,  name  unknown,  who  was 
badly  punctured  by  stepping  on  a 
starboard  tack. 


43 


- 


LOG  OF  TH 


Shortly  before  midnight  a  mix-up 
'of    red    and    green    lights    off    the 
weather  bow  had  the  Captain  going 
for  a  minute.    It  turned  out  to  be  a 
cut-rate  drug-store. 


12  P.  M.  —  The  decks  were 
swabbed  with  Apollinaris;  the  In- 
gersol  night-watch  was  wound  up, 
the  cat  put  out  and  the  back  door 
locked,  and  peace  brooded  over  the 
waters. 


tlje  scconfc  lap  of  tfje  cttttae. 


WATER-WAGON 


THE   WIFE'S    MORNING 
AFTER 


He  — "The  boys  had  a  rattling 
time  at  our  house  last  night." 

She  —  (surveying  the  mess)  — 
"  Empty  beer-bottles,  nearly  empty 
whiskey-bottle,  half-empty  glasses, 
empty  siphons,  distorted  corks,  frag- 
ments of  sandwiches,  remnants  of 
cheese,  crumbled  crackers,  fugitive 
olive  -  pits,  beer  -  stained  doilies, 
stream  from  recumbent  catsup-bot- 
tle meandering  across  Aunt  Mar- 
tha's embroidered  centrepiece,  cigar 
and  cigarette  stubs  in  salad-bowl  — 
over  all  a  Vesuvian  deposit  of  ashes. 
And  breakfast  only  twenty  minutes 
away ! " 

45 


LOG  OF  THE 


FIRST  AID   TO  THE 
INJURED 


In  case  of  a  fall  from  the  Water 
Wagon,  prompt  action  will  often 
save  the  victim. 

While  the  life-line  is  being  cast 
and  the  breeches-buoy  rigged,  lay 
the  sufferer  on  his  back  and  spray 
him  thoroughly  with  a  siphon  of 
carbonic  until  signs  of  conscious- 
ness appear.  In  the  majority  of 
cases  his  first  words  will  be :  "  Make 
mine  a  rye  highball."  You  will 
then  repeat  the  siphon  treatment,^ 
at  the  same  time  making  a  few 
passes  over  him  and  reciting  monot- 
onously in  his  ear :  "  Water,  water 
46 


everywhere,    and    not    a    drop 
drink." 

Usually  this  will  produce  a  condi- 
tion in  which  the  breeches-buoy  can 
be  quickly  adjusted  and  the  sufferer 
hauled  back  on  the  Wagon.  If  it 
fails,  work  his  arms  up  and  down 
like  pump-handles,  and  exclaim  in 
threatening  tones :  "  Your  wife  is 
coming  back  on  the  5.03  train."  If 
his  eyes  remain  glazed  and  his 
struggles  continue,  add  harshly; 
"  She  telegraphs  that  Mother  is 
coming  with  her."  Complete  coma 
should  result.  If  not,  it  can  be  in- 
duced by  tactfully  whispering: 
"  The  next  round  is  on  the  house." 
This  has  never  failed. 

The  breeches-buoy  may  now  be 
attached  and  the  sufferer  snaked 


47 


LOG  OF 
==*=== 


aboard  the  Wagon  and  lashed  to  the' 
tank. 

During  his  convalescence  a  friend  **? 
should   be    constantly   at   his   side, 
reading  to  him  the  history  of  the 
Johnstown  flood.     A  single  chapter 
has  worked  wonders. 


'  WATER.  WAGON 
"===&= 


THE  WATER  WAGON 
LIBRARY 


The  following  carefully  selected 
list  of  Books  may  be  had  by  apply- 
ing to  any  of  the  deck-hands.  They 
need  not  be  returned. 

"D'ri  and  I"    (Batcheller). 
"Many  Waters"   (Shackleford). 
"The  Desert"  (White). 
"  Many  Cargoes"  (Jacobs). 
"  The  Water  Babies  "  (Kingsley). 
"Ebb  Tide"  (Stevenson). 
"Frenzied  Frappes"  (Lawson). 
"The     Two     Van     Revellers" 
(Tankington). 


49 


LOG  OF  THE 

Stop  that 
Merry  -  Go  -  Round ! ! 


Do  things  revolve  when  you  retire  ? 
Does  your  room  whirl  like  a  fly- 
wheel in  a  power-house  ?  Does  your 
trunk  go  by  like  the  Twentieth 
Century  Limited?  Do  you  feel 
as  if  you  were  looping  the  loop  ? 
If  so,  you  can  flag  the  merry-go-round 
with  one  of 

Professor  Bunn's 

Patent     Plugs     for      Pifflicated 

People 

One   of   these,  inserted  anywhere  in 
the  wall,  will  bring  things  to  a  stand- 
still, or,  put  in  place  before  retiring,^ 
will  insure  a  quiet  night's  rest. 


ONT  SLEEP  LIKE  ATOP! 


WATER.  WAGON 

if 


LOG  OF  THE 


When  you  move  from  Brooklyn, 
be  sure  to  burn  your  bridge  tickets 
behind  you.  —  McKelway. 


Treat,  and  the  world  drinks  with 
you;  quit,  and  it  leaves  you  alone. 
—  Horace. 


WATER-WAGON 


Third  Day 


The    morning    opened    clear   and 
extra  dry.     Big  head  winds.     The' 
Mate  tried  to  take  the  Sun,  but  the 
sky    was    cloudy,    so    he    took    the 
Tribune. 


Wind  S. 


The  saloon  sounds  like  a  dog- 
show.  Everybody  has  a  dry,  hack- 
ing cough. 


Barometer  extra  brut. 
W.  and  scorching. 


The  Steward,  assisted  by  the 
Ship's  Valet,  dusted  off  the  tongues 
of  the  passengers  and  sprayed  them 
with  Blisterine.  They  were  very 

S3 


LOG  OF  THE'1 

4s 


jX  grateful,  and  a  collection  has  been     •: 
taken  up  to  purchase  a  loving-cup 
for  him. 


Spoke  the  brewery  barge  Bud- 
weiser,  outward  bound,  Captain 
Umlaut.  The  Budweiser  fired  a 
salute  of  four  dozen  bottles,  not  one 
of  which,  unfortunately,  reached  the 
Lithia's  deck.  In  a  heroic  effort  to 
rescue  a  bottle,  Tom  Collins  fell 
overboard.  He  was  picked  up  by 
a  fishing  party,  and  when  last  seen 
was  eating  the  bait. 


A  blood-curdling  screech  has  come 
up  through  the  ventilator,  and  the 

54 


ATER.WAGQN 


Captain  has  gone  below  with  a  mar- 
lingspike. 


Later.  —  The  Captain  has  re- 
turned. It  seems  that  the  Valet 
scorched  Hennessy  Martel's  tongue 
trying  to  iron  the  wrinkles  out  of  it. 
The  rest  of  us  have  decided  on  dry 
massage  for  ours. 


The  Scotch-plaid  guinea-pig  threw 
a  lighted  cigarette  in  some  straw  in 
the  trailer  and  started  a  fire.  The 
deck-hands  turned  on  the  sprinkler 
and  put  it  out.  No  great  damage. 
The  purple  pig  had  his  Keeley- 
cured  hams  smoked  —  that's  all. 


55 


LOG  OF  THE 


Hennessy  Mattel    has   got  him- 
'self  disliked   by   nailing   up   in  the 
dining-cabin   the   following   teasing 
dinner-card : 

Cocktails 
Grapefruit  soused  with  maraschino 

Consomme  with  sherry 
Fried  skate  Soused  mackerel 

Croute  of  pineapple  with  Madeira  sauce 
Leg  of  lamb,  mint  julep  sauce 

Roast  ham,  champagne  sauce 
Artillery  punch 
Venison,  port  wine  sauce 
Plum  pudding  with  lots  of  brandy  sauce 

Rum  omelette  Buns 

Brandied  peaches     Black  coffee  with  cognac 
Individual  Turkish  bath 


'WATER.WAGON 

===&= 


At  3  P.  M.  we  made  Water  Tank 
No.  2.  Catcalls  and  groans  from 
all  on  board. 


Passed  the  Spit   Buoy, 
could. 


Nobody 


Turner  Van  Newleaf,  one  of  the 
most  popular  of  the  passengers,  was 
suddenly  taken  with  water  on  the 
brain.  Doctor  Zoolak  bled  him, 
soaked  him,  and  pulled  his  leg. 
Poor  Van  Newleaf  was  compelled 
to  borrow  enough  money  to  finish 
the  cruise. 


Some    practical   joker   raised    the 
cry  of  "What'll  you  have?"     The 

57 


LOG  OF  THE 
* 


panic  that  followed  made  a  football 
mix-up  look  like  a  procession  of 
choir-boys,  and  a  dozen  or  more 
passengers  were  lost  from  the 
Wagon.  Among  those  that  fell  were 
Jim  Rickey  and  Guinness  Stout. 


5  P.  M.  —  Sighted  the  Players' 
Club.  The  Captain  gave  the  Engi- 
neer the  jingle-bell,  and  we  went 
by  the  danger-point  like  a  squirt 
of  seltzer. 


The  drouth  in  the  saloon  is  in- 
tolerable. The  dry  batteries  that 
run  the  fans  have  given  out.  Count 
Martini  has  tossed  his  waterproof 


'WATER.WAGON 
===/<f= 


coat  over  the  rail.  He  says  there 
is  such  a  thing  as  being  too  dry. 
The  sentiment  was  wildly  ap- 
plauded. 


Eggley  Monade  has  been  going 
around  asking  the  conundrum, 
"  Why  is  a  port-hole  like  a  chaser?  " 
Everybody  gave  it  up,  and  he  bor- 
rowed the  Captain's  megaphone  to 
reply,  "  Because  it's  something  on 
the  side."  The  Mate  put  a  crimp  in 
him  with  a  belaying-pin,  and  Doctor 
Zoolak  thinks  that  will  hold  him  for 
awhile. 


At  5.30  P.  M.  we  made  Larch- 
mont.     The  club-house  piazza  was 

59 


LOG  OF  THE'' 


crowded  with  gold  braid,  yachting- 
caps,  and  booze.  Wigwagged  that 
we  were  the  Good  Ship  Lithia,  and 
they  signalled  back,  "  Look  out  for 
floating  mines."  Most  of  the  club 
members  grabbed  their  drinks  and 
fled  to  the  cyclone  cellars,  but  the 
daredevils  of  the  rocking-chair 
fleet  sat  tight  and  jeered  at  us. 


The    Lithia's    decks    have    been 
cleared  for  action. 


The  Larchmont  Commodore  has 
ordered  the  club  torpedo-boat  High- 
ball to  charge  the  Lithia  (to  him). 

60 


LOG 


^ 

Third  Day  £5 


Our  Captain,  alive  to  the  critical 
situation,  has  jammed  the  wheel 
hard  over  and  given  the  enemy  a 
broadside  of  lithia  tablets.  The 
Highball  has  reversed  her  engines 
and  is  heading  for  the  dry-dock. 
Her  hull  looks  like  a  half-portion 
of  Swiss  cheese. 


:A3 


$ 


The  Larchmont  Commodore  wire- 
lessed to  the  Millionaire  Volunteer 
Fire  Department,  which  made  a 
record  run.  They  have  hooked  on 
to  the  club's  fire-water  plug,  and 
are  battering  us  with  a  two-inch 
stream  of  Glengarry  Scotch.  We 

61 


LOG  OF  THE 
=*= 


have  replied  with  our  starboard 
battery  of  bromo-seltzer  and  a  fleet 
of  Whiteheads  loaded  with  straw- 
berry pop. 


The  Fire  Department  has  un- 
coupled, and  hooked  on  to  a  tank 
of  club  cocktails.  The  deadly  stream 
is  burning  off  the  Lithia's  paint. 


Our  passengers,  led  by  Hennessy 
M artel,  demand  the  surrender  of 
the  Water  Wagon.  They  are  lap- 
ping up  the  decks. 


62 


vx- 


LOG 


Third  Day 


The  mutineers  have  been  driven 
below,  and  the  hatches  cotton-bat- 
tened down. 


Our  gallant  Captain  looped  the 
Santiago  loop  and  is  raking  the 
enemy  fore  and  aft  with  withering 
broadsides  of  moxie.  Some  of  the 
stuff  got  into  the  drinks  of  the  rock- 
ing-chair fleet  on  the  club-house 
piazza,  and  the  loss  of  life  was  ap- 
palling. 


The  enemy,  completely  demoral- 
ized, ran  up  the  white  flag,  and, 
scorning  to  take  any  prisoners  of 

63 


war,  we  'bout-shipped  and  laid  our 
course  for  Delaware  Water  Gap. 


LOG  OF 


entjctl)  t|)e  t&trto  toap  of  tlje  cruise. 


64 


WATER.  WAGON 


AN  EXPERIENCE  TABLE 


March  4.  Advertising  for  girl 

to  do  typewriting  . 
Violets  for  typewriter     . 
Week's  salary,  typewriter 
Roses  for  typewriter 
Miss  Remington's  salary 
20.    Candy  for  wife  and  chil- 
dren over  Sunday 
22.    Box  of  bonbons  for  Miss 

Remington    . 

26.  Lunch  with  Miss  Reming- 
ton . 
Daisy's  salary    . 
Theatre  and  supper  with 

Daisy     . 
Sealskin  for  wife 
Dress    for  wife's  mother 
Advertising      for    young 
man  to  do  typewriting 
65 


27 
29 


$  1.30 
•50 

IO.OO 

2.OO 

15-00 

.60 
4.00 

5-75 
20.00 

19.00 
225.00 
50.00 


LOG  OF  THE 


Miss  Tottie  Van  Tootles  is  curvy 

and  chic; 
She  sings  in  "  The  Prince  and  the 

Toad." 
Her  wage  in  the  city  is  twenty  per 

week, 

Twenty-five  when  she  goes  on  the 
road. 

Miss  Tottie  Van  Tootles  is  hand- 
somely gowned; 
She   has   a   French  maid   at   her 

heels, 
A   cottage   at  Larchmont,   a   yacht 

on  the  Sound, 

And  three  or  four  automobiles. 
68 


Miss  Tottie  Van  Tootles  has  pub- 
lished a  card 

To  say  she's  "  At  Liberty  "  now, 
Which  envious  persons  are  pleased 

to   regard 
As  the  certain  result  of  a  row. 

With  whom?     Why,  I  really  can't 

say.     I  don't  know 
The     details     of     Miss     Tottie's 

young  life; 
But    'tis    whispered,    I    hear    (not 

above,  but  below), 
That  an  angel  has  taken  a  wife. 


69 


^WATER-WAGON 


A  WORD   ABOUT   THE 
WAGON 


The  Water  Wagon  is  a  ball-bear- 
ing, clipper-built  craft  of  the  whale- 
back  type,  designed  by  Mac  Nesia, 
and  built  in  Bath,  Me.  She  draws 
more  water  than  a  yacht-club  bar- 
keep,  and  her  water-line  is  eighteen 
glasses  and  a  pony,  with  plenty  of 
hang-over.  The  Water  Wagon  is 
equipped  with  Saratoga  springs, 
which  ensure  a  minimum  of  jolt,  and 
a  complete  battery  of  hydraulic  dust- 
pumps. 

All  the  staterooms  are  heated  by 
Hot  Copper  system  and  lighted  by 
carbonic  acid  gas.  Don't  blow  it  out ! 

Accommodations  on  the  Water 
Wagon  are  unlimited.  There  is 
always  room  for  one  or  two  more, 
71 


WATER  WAGON  MENU 


LOG  OF  THE 


(Breakfast,   Dinner,   and    Supper,    and 
Midnight    Snack) 


Ammonia  cocktail 

Seedless  grapenuts      Shredded  wild  oats 
Henniker  County  hand-picked  eggs 

(all  flavors) 

Evaporated  Welsh  Rabbit 
(stuffed  with  raisins) 

Cold  tomales 
Red,  white  and  blue  Saratoga  chips 

H2O  Punch 

Sliced  golf  balls  with  mashie  potatoes 
Boneless   blanc-mange 

Cracked  lemon  ice 
Predigested  pitless  prunes 

("Three  P"   brand) 
Dent's  well  water  crackers 


All  water  served  on  our  tables  is 
kept  absolutely  wet  by  a  patent 
condensing  process. 

Do  not  trouble  to  report  any  in- 
attention   on   the   part    of    waiters. 
We  have  troubles  of  our  own. 
72 


WATER.WAGON 


The  Editors  confess  that  this  is 
a  trivial  and  foolish  book,  and  they 
will  not  be  offended  if  you  laugh 
at  it. 


LOG  OF  THE 


THE 

"GEM"  SAFETY    4 
PARACHUTE 


IT    FLOATS! 


Don't   Jump   from   the  Water 
Wagon  Without  One ! 


No  more  jolts.  No  more  broken  bones. 
Opens  as  promptly  as  a  wine  agent,  descends 
like  mining  stock,  and  lands  you  gently 
on  both  feet  every  time.  Will  carry  any 
kind  of  a  load.  Sold  by  all  progressive 
ship-chandlers. 

One   Man's  Experience 

MR.  PHILUP  BOIES  writes  us :  "I  have 
taken  two  trips  on  the  Wagon,  and  found  your 
parachute  a  complete  success.  On  the  first 
occasion  it  landed  me  safely  in  a  brewery,  and 
on  the  second  in  a  roof-garden.  I  have  recom- 
mended the  '  Gem  '  to  all  my  friends  as  a  move 
in  the  right  direction." 


A    DROP    AND    SEE    FOR    YOURSELF 


WATER-WAGON 
i 


LOG  OF  THE 


It  is  much  harder  to  keep  on  the 
Water  Wagon  than  on  a  bucking 
broncho.  —  Remington. 


A  watered-silk  vest  is  not  a  badge 
of  temperance.  Never  judge  a  man 
by  his  vest.  —  Woodruff. 


76 


WATER-WAGON 


Barometer     dry     and     blistered. 
Mercury  bubbling. 


At  roll-call  we  were  shy  twenty 
passengers.  The  Captain  thinks 
the  ones  unaccounted  for  fell  over- 
board during  the  excitement  at 
Larchmont. 


Hennessy  Martel,  Tom  Ginn, 
and  several  others  are  in  double 
irons  for  cheering  the  enemy.  All 
the  souse-renunciators  are  suffering 
tortures  from  the  frightful  drouth. 
Tom  Ginn  declares  that  he  has  had 
a  regular  stokehole  thirst  ever  since 
we  left  Larchmont,  and  Hennessy 

77 


*•         -N^X"          •  — " -W    —   **__> 

LOG  OF  THE 


Martel  offers  to  swap  his  Panhard 
and  fifty  shares  of  unassessable  Hot 
Copper  for  three  fingers  of  lumber- 
jack rye. 


Poor  Turner  Van  Newleaf  was 
found  sitting  on  the  sprinkler  troll- 
ing for  wine-jellyfish  and  chattering 
to  himself.  Doctor  Zoolak  dry- 
cupped  him  and  sponged  his  mouth 
with  Blisterine. 


10  A.  M.  —  Sighted  a  night  school 
of  whales  galloping  after  the  Lithia. 
The  wise  Mate  says  this  is  a  sure 
sign  of  a  Jonah  on  board.  A  com- 
mittee of  five,  headed  by  the  puzzle 

78 


'WATER.WAGON 

' " —  &= 


LOG 


Fourf/i  Dot/  > 


editor  of  Golden  Days,  has  been  ap- 
pointed to  find  the  Jonah. 


Clark  Dearborn,  champion  half- 
shot  putter  of  the  Chicago  Athletic 
Club,  claimed  to  have  seen  two 
swordfish  fencing  off  the  weather 
bow.  Doctor  Zoolak  roped  him, 
threw  him,  and  tied  him  in  thirty 
seconds,  breaking  the  Montana 
record. 


2  P.  M.  —  Made  Delaware  Water 
Gap. 


The   citizens   of   the   Gap  turned 
out  in  a  body  and  gave  us  a  royal 


79 


7\ 


LOG  OF  THE 


welcome.  The  Mayor,  in  a  happy 
little  speech,  presented  the  freedom 
of  the  city  and  the  great  key  to  the 
water-works,  both  of  which  we  were 
compelled  to  decline  on  account  of 
the  serious  condition  of  our  passen- 
gers. 


A  chorus  of  young  ladies,  carry- 
ing a  white  banneret  of  watered 
silk,  with  the  motto  "  Purity  "  and 
a  crocheted  picture  of  Moses  smit- 
ing the  rock,  raised  their  sweet 
young  voices  in  the  affecting  song: 

"  Wait  for  the  Wagon, 
Wait  for  the  Wagon, 
Wait  for  the  Wagon, 
And  we'll  all  take  a  ride." 


So 


=2*£=0^£i^r  y-^S^MB^r£srj»7 

WATER.  WAGON^ 


Jack  Redwood  and  Hy  Jinks,  of 
the  'Frisco  Bohemian  Club,  cut  in 
with  a  barber-shop  tenor  and  a  ster- 
ilized barytone,  and  were  promptly 
and  loudly  hissed  by  the  snakes  in 
the  trailer. 


Hennessy  Martel  hogged  the 
limelight  by  offering  to  loop  the 
Water  Gap  in  a  ball-bearing  cata- 
maran, without  the  aid  of  a  net,  and 
the  Captain,  scenting  trouble,  side- 
stepped the  Gap  and  made  a  quick 
getaway. 


At  5  P.  M.  the  lookout  reported 
a  sour  mash  freighter.    The  passen- 

81 


LOG  OF  THfl 

*& 


gers  are  kissing  the  hem  of  his  car- 
digan jacket  and  calling  him  another 
Columbus. 


Later.  —  The  sour  mash  freighter 
turns  out  to  be  a  root-beer  wagon 
on  its  way  to  a  Sunday-school  ex- 
cursion. The  enraged  passengers 
are  now  kicking  the  hem  of  the 
lookout's  jacket. 


The  Committee  on  Jonah  reports 
progress. 


At  5.30  P.  M.  we  ran  into  a  dust- 

82 


WATER-WAGON 


Fourth  Day 


gale,  caused  by  an  automobile  party 
brushing  their  clothes  after  being 
chased  by  a  bicycle  cop.  The  air 
is  thick  with  dust  and  whisk-brooms, 
and  the  Lithia's  passengers  are 
lying,  gasping,  on  the  cravenette 
deck.  The  lookout  sends  word  that 
he  can't  see  a  pair  of  deuces. 


The  Captain  has  ordered  the  rose- 
sprinkler  turned  on  and  the  electric- 
fans  started. 


The  dust-fog  lifted  for  a  few 
moments,  and  the  passengers  were 
seen  to  be  leaping  overboard.  The 

83 


Bos'un  performed  yoehoman  service 
in  rescuing  the  imperilled  and  help- 
ing the  weak  ones  back  on  the 
Wagon.  A  collection  was  taken  up 
to  purchase  him  a  silver-plated 
swinging  ice-pitcher. 


6.45  P.  M.  —  The  Mate  took 
soundings,  and  reported  no  bottom. 
The  Captain  announced  that,  from 
the  depth  of  water,  we  must  be 
nearing  Wall  Street.  The  Mate  was 
ordered  to  ring  for  a  messenger-boy 
and  send  him  after  a  pilot. 


8   P.   M.  —  The   Mate   boxed  the 


84 


LOG 


Fourth  Day 


compass  and  the  compass  won  on 
points. 


The  Committee  on  Jonah  have 
been  through  the  vessel  like  a  pack 
of  ferrets,  and  report  that  the  Jonah 
can  be  no  other  than  Moxie  Mat- 
zoon,  alias  Moxie  Grandpa.  The 
report  of  the  Committee  was  ac- 
cepted and  ordered  inscribed  on  the 
records.  A  special  copy,  engrossed 
on  parchment,  will  be  sent  to  the 
Hon.  Bromo  S.  Emerson,  of  Balti- 
more. 


Very   dull   in   the   smoking-room 
to-night.    Nothing  doing  but  a  game 

85 


LOG  OF  THE< 


Fourth  Day 


of  tiddlywinks  on  the  O.  P.  side. 
Roderick  Dhuar,  a  reformed  Scotch 
barkeep,  enlivened  the  hours  by 
playing  "  Comin'  Through  the  Rye," 
with  variations,  on  the  cash  register. 
When  he  finished  he  found  he  owed 
the  Steward  $22.30.  He  gave  his 
I  O  U. 


Shortly  after  midnight  the  look- 
out reported  a  strange  light  on  the 
port  bow.  It  turned  out  to  be 
an  electric  advertisement,  reading, 

WHEN    ALL   IN  AND   SPEECHLESS, 
MAKE    SIGNS    FOR    BRICKTOP    RYE 

llbv 
86 


WATER-WAGON 
&== 


LOG 


At  this  touch  of  the  real  thing, 
the  Lithia's  passengers  perked  up 
considerably,  and  the  yell  that 
greeted  the  sign  sounded  like  a 
dog  being  run  over  by  a  Mercedes. 


ejifcetf)  tfje  fottrtl)  flap  of  tjje  cruise 


8- 


LOG  OF  THE 

&» 


Quoth  the  Red  Raven: 
"  Nevermore ! " 


WATER.WAGON 


OMAR   ON   THE   WAGON 

I. 

Before  the  last  hour  of  the  Old  Year 

died, 
Methought    a    voice    without    the 

Tavern  cried: 
"Oh,  cut  it  out,  Khayyam;  there's. 

nothing  in't. 
The  Water  Wagon  waits  you.    Take 

a  ride!" 

II. 

So,   with   the    echoes   of   the    New 

Year's  chimes 
The     thoughtful     Soul     upon     the 

Wagon  climbs, 
Cuts  out  the  Grape,  and  promises 

to  reach 

The  Bosom  of  his  Family  betimes. 
89 


in. 

At  home  by  six,  for  Dinner  with  the 

Frau; 

Early  to  bed  and  rise;   a  little  Cow 
And  Seltzer  when  I  line  up  with 

the  Boys: 
That's    mine.      I'm    on    the    Water 

Wagon  now. 

IV. 

A    Moment's   Halt  —  a  momentary 

taste 
Of  Water  from  the  Wagon !  —  Oh, 

make  haste 
And     climb     aboard!       Aqua     is 

sweeter  far 


Than  all  the  Grape  Goods  that  were 
ever  cased. 


90 


V. 


•/'  For  some  we  loved,  the  loveliest  and 

the  best, 
Who  tried  to  beat  the  Game,  are 

now  at  rest. 
They  set  'em  back,  and  set  'em 

back,  and  then 

Were  gathered  to  the  Kingdom  of 
the  Blest. 

VI. 

Indeed,  indeed,  Repentance  oft  be- 
fore 
I  swore,  and  I  was  honest  when  I 

swore. 
And  then  the  Wagon  bumped  the 

Curb,  and  I 
'Was  jolted  off  into  a  Liquor  Store. 


LOG  OF 


VII. 

They  say  that  Tom  and  Dick  and 

Harry  keep 
The  Bars  at  which  I   gloried  and 

drank  deep. 
Well,  let  them  keep  them.    I  am 

feeling  fit, 
And  feeding  well,  and  catching  up 

my  sleep. 

VIII. 

I  used  to  think  that  never  blows  so 

red 

The  Cherry  as  when  Maraschinoed ; 
And  watching  Barney  fish  them 

from  the  Pot 
I  have  acquired,  at  times,  a  lovely 

Head. 


92 


'WATER-WAGON 


IX. 

And  that  reviving  Herb  whose  ten-: 

der  Green 
Fledges    the    River-Lip  —  how    oft 

I've  seen 
The  Barkeep  make  a  Julep  with 

its  leaves, 

The  while  upon  the  Bar  I'd  lightly 
lean. 

X. 

But  now,  my  Friends,  I've  had  my 

last  Carouse, 
And  made  a  Second  Marriage  in  my 

house ; 
Divorced   the   wanton    Daughter 

of  the  Vine 
And  taken  Neptune's  daughter  for 

my  Spouse. 


93 


LOG  OF  THE 


fls 


XL 


Yon  rising  Moon  that  looks  for  us  *•/•* 

again  — 
How  oft  hereafter  will  she  wax  and 

wane; 
How  oft  hereafter  rising  look  for 

us 
Through  the   Roof   Gardens  —  and 

for  me  in  vain! 

XII. 

When   in   your  joyous   Pilgrimage 

you  pass 
Along  the  line  of  Beer  and  Stout 

and  Bass 
And  Rye  and  Scotch  and  Fizz,  and 

reach  the  place 
Where  I  made  One  —  turn  down  an 

empty  Glass. 


94 


^*WATER-  WAGON 

if 


LOG  OF  THE 


You  can't  tell  the  age  of  whiskey 
by  looking  at  its  teeth.  —  King 
William. 


The  truth  is  mighty  and  will  pre- 
vail. When  you  come  home  with  a 
package  don't  tell  your  wife  you've 
been  shopping.  —  Socrates. 


WATER-WAGON 


LOG 


Fifth  Day 


The  sun  rose  half  an  hour  late. 
Eggley  Monade,  the  ship's  wag, 
suggested  that  Old  Sol's  safety- 
razor  must  have  been  out  of  whack. 
The  Mate  belted  him  with  a  piece 
of  tarred  rope,  and  Doctor  Zoolak 
with  the  compass  needle  took  seven 
stitches. 


Shortly  before  noon  we  picked  up 
the  Stock  Exchange  light,  and  the 
Lithia  was  slowed  down. 


Took  on  Tom  Lawson,  the  pilot, 
who  knows  right  off  the  reel,  with- 
out sounding,  the  depth  of  water  at 


97 


LOO  OF  THP 


Fifth  Day 


every  point  in  the  dangerous  chan- 
nel of  Wall  Street.  Tom  brought 
aboard  his  magazine-gun,  which  he 
mounted  at  the  bow,  remarking 
jovially  that  he  might  take  a  crack 
at  a  pirate  or  two. 


Entered  the  channel,  with  Trinity 
cliffs  astern.  Pilot  Lawson  is  at  the 
wheel,  looking  very  wise.  Every- 
body's watching  him. 


An  indignation  meeting  has  been 
called  on  the  two-for-a-quarter  deck 
by  excited  passengers  who  promised 
their  wives,  sweethearts,  and  parents 


98 


•  M-fcZr     \u  "  •'     •     ^^s>'  ^^i*w**>-  !••>  1 1 

'WATER.WAGON 


LOG 


to  keep  out  of  Wall  Street.  They 
demand  that  the  vessel  be  put  back. 
The  Pilot  remarked,  grimly,  that  it 
is  harder  to  get  out  of  Wall  Street 
than  into  it.  He  advises  all  hands 
to  hang  on  and  wait  for  a  rise. 


A  little  before  3  P.  M.  the 
lookout  shouted,  "  Maelstrom  dead 
ahead !  "  A  panic  resulted,  and  the 
cry  went  up  that  Lawson  was  a 
bum  pilot.  Strong  and  willing  hands 
tore  him  from  the  wheel,  and,  pur- 
sued by  the  infuriated  passengers 
and  crew,  he  ran  down  the  deck  and 
dove  over  the  taff rail,  yawping :  "  I 
will  have  something  to  say  next 
month ! " 


99 


LOG  OF  THE' 


Fifth  Day 


"We  are  lost!"  the  Captain 
shouted,  as  he  staggered  down  the 
stairs.  Putting  three  chips  on  the 
red,  he  spun  the  wheel  to  starboard. 
Round  and  round  in  the  clutches 
of  the  maelstrom  spun  the  good 
ship  Lithia.  "  Whee  !"  cried  Hen- 
nessy  Martel,  "this  is  like  old 
times.  First  good  whirl  my  head's 
had  since  the  Lambs'  Club  gambol." 


2.56  P.  M.  —  The  Lithia  seems 
hopelessly  lost.  The  passengers, 
with  blanched  faces,  are  swapping 
farewells  and  keepsakes. 


2.58  P.  M.  —  Gottlieb  Kirschwas- 


'WATER.  WAG  ON 


LOG 


ser,  of  Milwaukee,  lost  his  head 
(the  one  he  came  aboard  with),  and, 
screaming,  "  Heute  rot,  Morgen  tot! 
Auf  wiedersehen!  "  hurled  himself 
overboard. 


3  P.  M.  —  Saved !  The  Stock  Ex- 
change bell  struck  three,  and  the 
maelstrom  knocked  off  for  the  day. 
The  Lithia's  passengers  joyfully  re- 
turned to  one  another  the  keepsakes 
and  farewells,  and  Kirschwasser  was 
fished  out  of  the  drink  with  a  boat- 
hook  and  put  in  the  boiler-room  to 
dry. 


4    P.    M.  — We    have    left    Wall 
Street,  and  are  bowling  along  toward 


i  White  Rock  Point,  and  kicking  up 
an  awful  dust. 


LOG  OF 

=*== 


The  drouth  has  become  intoler- 
able, and  the  sufferings  of  the  pas- 
sengers are  increasing  hourly.  The 
deck-planks  are  curling  up,  and  the 
oakum  is  oozing  from  the  seams. 


The  barometer  exploded  with  a 
loud   pop,    and    Hennessy  Martel, 
wild-eyed,  ran  up  the  main  hatch,  k 
crying,    "  Is    that    George    Kessler  \ 
opening  wine?"     "No  such  luck,"" 
gurgled  Tom  Ginn,  who  was  spray-  ^ 
ing  his  throat  with  Blisterine. 


WATER.WAGON 


LOG 


Old  Medford,  the  Water  Wagon 
veteran,  says  he  doesn't  remember 
a  voyage  attended  by  so  many  disas- 
ters. "  We  must  get  rid  of  the 
Jonah,"  said  he. 


4.44  P.  M.  —  The  Captain  made  a 
neat  little  speech  from  the  bridge, 
and  presented  to  each  passenger  a 
dry-point  picture  of  the  good  ship 
Lithia.  Most  of  them  were  flung 
overboard. 


After  supper  the  Captain,  a  most 
considerate  man,  gave  a  smoker,  in 
order  to  take  the  minds  of  the  pas- 
sengers off  their  fearful  thirst.  A 


103 


LOG  OF 


Fifth  Dayi 


Keith  circuit  top-liner,  who  has  a  V;* 
whole  page  and  his  picture  in 
"Who's  Who  on  the  Water  Wagon," 
gave  an  imitation  of  an  actor  re- 
fusing a  drink.  The  audience  over- 
looked the  screaming  absurdity  of 
the  plot  in  their  admiration  for  the 
artistic  performance. 


Professor  Argus,  the  mind  wizard, 
offered  to  read  the  minds  of  all  the 
audience  at  one  crack.  Challenged 
to  perform  this  astounding  feat,  the 
Professor  smiled  and  said,  "  You  are 
all  thinking  that  it  is  almost  time 
for  a  long  cold  highball."  Crack- 
ling shouts  of  admiration  came  from 

104 


WATER-WAGON 


LOG 


Fifth  Day 


I*  the  parched  throats  of  the  audience, 
and  the  protest,  "  Fake !  Fake ! 
Somebody  must  have  told  you ! " 


Harvey  Steele,  a  floor-walker  in  a 
wholesale  anchor  house,  was  the 
next  entertainer.  He  gave  a  realistic 
imitation  of  a  crooked  barkeep  play- 
ing on  an  upright  cash  register. 
When  he  finished  the  audience  de- 
clared there  was  nothing  in  it. 


An  amateur  hypnotist  was  the 
next  to  oblige.  "  Will  some  gentle- 
man kindly  step  up  and  assist  the 

i°5 


LOG  OF  THE< 


Professor  in  this  demonstration? " 
he  requested.  Dead  silence ;  nobody 
made  a  move.  The  Professor  smiled 
patiently,  and  repeated  his  request; 
no  takers.  Finally  the  Captain,  who 
had  drifted  in,  stepped  up,  remark- 
ing, "  Try  your  stunt  on  me,  Pro- 
fessor." (Deafening  applause.)  The 
amateur  hypnotist  took  the  Captain 
in  hand  and  made  a  few  passes  at 
him,  and  he  took  the  count  in  six 
seconds.  "  Happy  man !  "  cried  the 
Professor,  fixing  the  subject  with  his 
glittering  eye.  "  Happy  man !  you 
are  soused  for  fair,  and  are  opening 
vintage  wine."  "  Whee !  "  said  th 
Captain,  bracing  himself  against 
Davy  Jones's  locker.  "  Frappe  two 

1 06 


WATER-WAGON 

' 


more  quarts !  Line  up,  boys !  " 
(Tumultuous  applause,  and  cries  of 
"  Don't  wake  him  up !  ")  But  the 
Professor  did  wake  him  up,  and  the 
Captain  bowed  sheepishly  and  re- 
turned to  the  wheel-house.  "  Will 
some  other  gentleman  kindly  step 
up?"  asked  the  Amateur  Hypnotist. 
The  scramble  that  followed  made 
the  rush-hour  at  the  Brooklyn 
Bridge  look  like  a  chess  tourna- 
ment. In  the  jam  the  Professor's 
shoulder  was  dislocated,  putting  him 
out  of  business. 


2  A.  M.  —  Hennessy  Martel  has 

ir™    tied  a  string  around  his  thumb  to 

•III 

107 


LOG  OF  THE 


remind  himself  to  take  a  drink  the 
minute  he  gets  off  the  Wagon. 


entoetl)  tije  fiftl)  lap  of  t&e  crutjte. 


t— fl w««—       •      '^SS'      «^<s^-  i"   I 

WATER.  WAGONS 
& 


"THE   DARKEST   HOUR" 


When  a  gentleman  is  deposited 
on  his  door-mat  by  a  friendly  cop- 
per, like  a  cake  of  ice  or  a  jar  of 
milk,  his  sense  of  humour  is  won- 
derfully acute.  To  tip  over  an 
aquarium  of  goldfish  on  his  way 
through  the  hall  strikes  him  as  the 
height  of  the  ridiculous,  and  the 
flopping  of  the  little  fishes  and  tur- 
tles on  the  Persian  rug  throws  him 
into  spasms  of  stifled  mirth.  He 
chuckles  himself  into  hiccoughs 
over  his  vain  attempts  to  unlace  his 
shoes  while  lying  on  his  back,  and 
his  progress  up-stairs  on  all  fours  is 


109 


LOG  OF 


accompanied  by  joyous  giggles. 
When  he  loses  his  equilibrium  and 
rolls  back  down-stairs,  he  sits  up 
and  says :  "  God  pity  the  men  at 
sea  on  a  night  like  this ! " 

He  is  now  serious.  He  turns  on 
all  the  electric  lights  and  remarks, 
censoriously :  "  Here  it  is  broad 
daylight,  the  front  stoop  unswept, 
and  not  a  soul  in  the  house  up."  In 
this  spirit  of  criticism  he  ascends  to 
his  wife's  room,  and,  as  she  raises 
her  head  from  the  pillow  for  one 
comprehensive  glance,  he  says, 
sternly :  "  Things  are  going  from 
bad  to  worse  in  this  house." 

To  her  icy  rejoinder,  "  Is  that 
any  reason  why  you  should  come 
home  in  this  condition?"  he  replies, 
with  unruffled  importance :  "  The 
kitchen  fire  is  out ;  the  canary  hasn't 

no 


ATER-WAGON 

- 


been  fed;    the  piano  isn't   dusted; 
and  look  at  this !  "     He  holds  up  a ; 
ravelling.     "  Found  it  right  in  the 
middle  of  the  hall!     What  kind 
housekeeping    do    you    call    that? 
Why,  if  I  tried  to  run  my  business 
that  way,  we'd  all  be  in  the  poor- 
house." 

Softly  and  soothingly  his  spouse 
returns :  "  Frank,  if  you'll  lay  the 
two  goldfish  on  the  bureau  and 
come  to  bed,  we'll  have  a  long  talk 
about  it  in  the  morning." 

And  they  do. 


LOG  OF  THE 
* 


Dr.  Bugg  Howes 

OCULIST 
Room  26,  Kygeia  Building 


If  you  see  things,  I  can  help  you! 


One  bottle  of  my  celebrated  BUGGINE 
will  clear  the  sight  of  all  imaginary  objects. 
Menageries  removed  by  my  painless  process. 

If  you  see  objects  double,  an  application  of 
SKATORIA  OINTMENT  will  put  you  right. 

Send  for  booklet  of  testimonials  from  promi- 
nent actors,  Congressmen,  journalists,  and 
club-men,  —  printed  by  special  permission. 


SEEING  IS  NOT  BELIEVING!" 


LOG  OF  THE 
a 


Always  keep  your  powder  dry  — 
that's  all.  —  Mennen. 


Beware  of  the  man  who  picks 
things  off  your  coat  lapel  while  con- 
versing with  you.  He  never  buys. 
—  Fra  Elbertus. 


ATER-WAGON 


LOG 


Sixth  Day 


The  morning  opened  as  still  and 
dry  as  Boston  after  n  P.  M.  The 
sun  rose  red  as  an  auction  flag 
against  a  cold-gravy  sky,  and  the 
atmosphere  is  heavy  with  something 
doing.  The  Captain,  solemn  as  a 
night-clerk  in  a  Raines  Law  hotel, 
is  at  the  wheel,  and  the  Lookout  is 
pop-eyed.  A  few  insomniacal  pas- 
sengers are  pacing  the  deck  like  a 
man  who  has  been  called  for  mar- 
gin, and  are  bothering  the  Captain 
with  fool  questions.  The  Captain 
has  put  on  a  pair  of  plush  ear-muffs. 


ii  A.  M.  — •  Dirty  weather  ahead. 


The  Lithia  is  logging  her  limit,  in 


LOG  OF  THE 


an   effort  to   weather   White   Rock  V.' 


Point  before  the  storm  breaks. 


11.20  A.  M.  —  The  Lookout  re- 
ports a  siphon-shaped  cloud  off  the 
weather  bow.  The  air  is  laden  with 
dust,  and  is  coming  in  dry  hot  puffs. 
Tom  Ginn  thinks  we  are  running 
into  another  automobile  party,  but 
Old  Medford  says  we  are  up  against 
worse  than  that. 


11.30  A.  M.  —  The  wind  has  risen 
to  half  a  gale,  and  the  dust  is  set- 
tling on  the  Lithia's  decks  like  the 
soot  from  a  smoking  nickel-plated 


116 


WATER-WAGON 


)?•*  banquet-lamp.  Most  of  the  passen- 
gers have  turned  out,  prepared  for 
anything. 


Gottlieb  Kirschwasser  has  just 
made  his  will,  bequeathing  his  col- 
lection of  dried  butterflies  and  a  set 
of  Schiller's  works  to  the  Milwaukee 
Gemuthlich  Society. 


11.45  A.  M.  —  The  pink  rats  are 
deserting  the  ship. 


A  tidal  wave  of  dust  swept  over 
us,  carrying  away  the  life-boat  and 

117 


LOG  OF  THE 


Kirschwasser's  meerschaum  pipe 
with  a  galloping  horse  carved  on  it. 
Kirschwasser  says  he  won  it  at  a 
pinochle  tournament  in  Munich,  and 
is  crazed  by  the  loss.  Nobody  else 
seems  to  caradam. 


The  Steward  has  distributed  auto 
goggles,  but  the  passengers  are  still 
unable  to  see  three  fingers  before 
their  faces. 


The  Captain  has  turned  the  wheel 
over   to    the    Mate,    and    has    gone^ 
among  the  passengers,  striving  to  re- 
assure them.     It  seems  we  are  off 

118 


—  — ^L«/«^ ^      •      ^"^SX  ^^*-**>*     —      i*  1 

ATER.  WAGON^ 

' 


the  Axminster  Carpet  Cleaning 
Works,  beside  which  Cape  Hatteras 
is  a  goldfish  aquarium. 


The  sufferings  of  the  passengers 
baffle  description.  Everybody  feels 
that  this  is  his  last  trip  on  the 
"Wagon.  Hennessy  Martel  has 
tied  another  string  around  his 
thumb,  to  remind  himself  to  make 
it  two  drinks  when  he  gets  off. 


Old  Medford,  who  is  as  mad  as 
a  conductor  when  you  give  him  five 
pennies,  insists  that  the  Jonah  be 
dumped  overboard.  A  dogged,  de- 


119 


LOG  OF  TH 


termined  committee  has  gone  below 
to  yank  out  Moxie  Grandpa,  who, 
as  old  Medford  says,  is  an  inter- 
loper, anyway,  and  has  no  more 
business  on  the  Water  Wagon  than 
a  trousers  stretcher  in  a  young 
ladies'  seminary. 


Later.  —  Old  Matzoon  has  been 
dragged  up  from  the  hold,  kicking 
and  clawing,  and  the  passengers  are 
balloting  on  the  proper  disposition 
of  him. 


While  the  ballot  was  being  taken, 
another   tidal   wave   of   dust   broke 


1 20 


WATER-WAGQN 


over  the  hapless  Lithia,  and  the 
enraged  passengers  and  crew  cried 
in  chorus,  "  Over  with  the  Jonah ! " 
The  wretched  Moxie  fiend  was  there- 
upon flung  into  the  trailer,  despite 
the  protests  of  the  magenta  elephant 
and  the  Scotch-plaid  guinea-pig. 


At  1.20  P.  M.  the  Lithia  grounded 
with  a  fearful  crash,  and  the  billows 
of  dust  that  broke  over  her  carried 
away  the  sprinkler  and  all  the  spokes 
in  the  aft  wheel.  A  composite  pic- 
ture of  John  B.  Gough  and  Carrie 
Nation  fell  to  the  cabin  floor  and 
was  totally  wrecked. 

121 


LOG  OF  THF 
a 


Buried  in  dust  from  deck  to 
trucks,  the  Lithia  lay  on  her  side, 
pounding  like  a  farmer  at  Coney 
Island  on  a  "Try  Your  Strength  " 
machine.  The  good  old  Wagon  was 
doomed.  Nothing  could  hold  in 
such  a  simoom. 


The  Captain  shouted  down-wind, 
"  Cut  away  the  trailer !  "  The  ship's 
Carpenter,  with  hammer  and  cold- 
chisel,  severed  the  tow-line,  and  the 
menagerie  vanished  in  the  dust. 


At  1.35  the  Lithia  sprung  a  bunch 
of  leaks,  and  every  drop  of  water 


'WATER-WAGON 
-  &=== 


ran  out  of  her.  We  are  now  high 
and  horribly  dry.  HennessyMartel 
has  tied  still  another  string  around 
his  thumb,  to  remind  himself  to 
make  k  three  drinks  when  he  gets 
off.  His  hand  is  beginning  to  look 
like  a  hammock. 


At  1.50  P.  M.  orders  were  given  to 
lighten  ship.  We  threw  over  ten 
bales  of  temperance  pledges,  fifty 
cases  malted  milk,  thirty-two  cases 
sarsaparilla,  eighteen  carboys  root 
beer,  twenty-seven  vats  lemon  soda, 
two  hundred  and  thirty-five  gal- 
lons mineral  water,  the  library, 
the  band,  the  cash  register,  seventy- 

123 


LOG  OF  THF 
=*  <** 


five  bundles  of  blue  ribbons,  the 
water  -  cooler  and  three  tons  of 
cracked  ice,  the  pianola,  Gottlieb 
Kirschwasser,  and  Doctor  Zoolak. 
The  Lithia  righted,  and  it  looks  as 
if  the  gallant  craft  will  ride  it  out. 
Cheers  are  rattling  from  the  warped 
throats  of  passengers  and  crew. 


2  P.  M.  —  We  are  lost  I  A  fresh 
consignment  of  boarding-house  car- 
pets has  just  been  thrown  under  the 
slapsticks  at  the  Cleaning  Works. 
This  is  the  limit  of  dirty  weather. 


Hurrah!    A  St.  Bernard  dog  with 


124 


WATER-WAGON 


a  little  brown  jug  tied  to  his  neck 
is  battling  his  way  toward  the 
doomed  Water  Wagon.  Good  old 
Nero! 


The  St.  Bernard  has  leaped 
aboard.  Merciful  heavens!  the  jug 
contains  arnica!  We  have  torn  off 
Nero's  license  tag  and  chucked  him 
overboard. 


Hennessy  Martel  is  maudlin  and 
weeping  on  my  pleated  shirt-front. 
"  In  case  you  pull  through,  old 
man,"  he  says,  "tell  my  poor  little 
wife  (the  tall  one)  that  my  in- 

125 


.surance    policy    is    in    the    kitchen 
clock  with  the  milk  tickets." 


2.20  P.  M.  —  We  have  launched 
the  life-raft,  and  stocked  it  hastily 
with  the  following  supplies:  One 
case  Jack  Spratt's  assorted  dog  bis- 
cuits, two  dozen  golf  balls,  a  crate 
of  sponges,  two  telephone  books, 
one  "  Little  Giant "  gas-stove,  one 
"  Little  Gem  "  safety  lawn-mower, 
six  dozen  Lady  Macbeth  lamp- 
chimneys,  one  Prospect  Park  cro- 
quet set,  four  wheelbarrows,  one 
roll-top  desk,  and  one  Colonial  high- 
boy with  glass  knobs.  This  outfit 
will  keep  us  going  for  a  few  days. 

126 


WATER.  WAGON 


At  2.30  P.  M.  we  cut  away  the: 
life-raft  and  pushed  off,  and  we  are 
now  pitching  and  tossing  on  the 
dusty  billows.  Heaven  only  knows 
how  much  longer  our  sufferings  will 
be  prolonged. 


I  am  parched  and  weary,  and  my 
pencil  is  worn  to  the  quick.  Ho, 
Steward,  fetch  me  a  milk-bottle  with 
a  patent  stopper  1  I  must  commit 
these  writings  to  the  restless  sea. 


thy 


Go,  little  Log,  from  this  our  solitude ; 

We  cast  thee    on  the  waters  —  go 

ways. 
And  if  thy  luck  (unlike  our  own)  be  good, 

Some  one  will  read  thee  after  many  days. 


127 


LOG  OF 


So  here  endeth  the  Log  of  the  Water 
Wagon,  as  hammered  into  Eng- 
lish by  the  Authors  on  Watt'ell 
paper;     the    illustrations    by 
Saint  Louis,  and  the  whole 
done  into  a  book  by  the 
H.  M.  Caldwell  Co.,  at 
Boston,  which  is  near 
Bunker  Hill,  in  the 
State  of  Massa- 
chusetts, in  the 
year   One 
Thousand 
Nine 
Hun- 
dred 
and 
Five 


LOT 
FOR  SALE 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


